I’ve not suddenly begun doing Agony Aunt style posts. This is a serious problem that I, and only I, seem to be afflicted with.
I cannot use a stapler properly.
One of the very first things I established when I began my current job was that I was completely unable to perform the action of binding several sheets of paper together. It wouldn’t be so bad if I’d simply broken it immediately and been done with it; instead the poor person tasked with training me up had to watch aghast as I made at least 4 attempts every time I was required to staple paper into files.
Even now my staples are bent, skewed, not entirely punctured through the paper. This happens when stapling 2 of the thinnest sheets known to man together. There’s also the fact that every time I load new staples and attempt to close the long plastic cover, the metal spring inside attempts to ping the new staples into outer orbit, sending them flying rather dangerously across the office in all directions. One would think I was siphoning in TNT.
People appear to be used to it now. If someone new to the office were to be alarmed by the the constant “clacking” and subsequent cursing coming from my desk, they would be told “don’t worry, it’s just Tom; he’s stapling”.
Why can’t I perform this simple function?
Shall I give another example? Who here is able to navigate a room without walking into something? Everyone, is it? Not I. Oh no…I have other ideas. Apparently. In fact today I noticed I can’t even stand still properly.
I don’t know what happens when I’m walking around the office. My legs appear to want to turn corners before I’ve approached them and this sends me striding into various waste bins and filing cabinets. I’ll be striding down the office and my legs will think “oh what’s that?” and attempt to turn me, which results in an embarrassing and rather pointless weave, to anyone who notices at any rate.
Put me in an unfurnished room and I’ll find something to trip over.
And I was standing on the spot talking to someone earlier today, when suddenly my legs decided that, actually, you know what would be a great idea? Buckling! Yes, I am perfectly confident my health and strength is up to scratch. My legs just wanted to buckle at the back, which made me lurch backwards a bit and steady myself on a wall, much to the utter terror of the person I was talking to. That look flashed on their face. You know.
“What are they on?”
The truly scary thing about all of this is that I have managed to obtain a driving licence, and a house, without actually breaking any laws. This person who cannot staple sheets of paper together, walk appropriately, or even stand in a normal fashion, is about to transport themself about and is responsible for maintaining a roof over his head.
Panic. I would.
